Sunday, November 18, 2007
birthdays
the shortest day of the year isn't, contrary to popular belief, the winter solstice.. it is, in fact, one's birthdays.are they some sort of collectible? like a prize, "oh you've lived another year on earth, here's a birthday for you".. and we go down the line, amassing them and placing them in our special trophy cupboard.. after a while we realise they're might be lumping into each other and becoming rather homogeneous, except for the truly memorable ones, perhaps.. yet we still polish our memories lovingly, making ever more space for new ones, future ones, in our little cupboard full of shining moments..
year after year, as that special day draws nearer, i find myself getting happier and looking forward to it and the tons of special things it will bring, nevermind that i say i don't bother and that it usually falls in the midst of my exams when im also not supposed to bother, but shouldn't a whole host of lovely, unexpected, joyous things happen to one on your birthday? somehow, it seems the world should work that way. yes, i know alot of people don't have the luxury of celebrating their birthdays, some don't even know when it is, but since it is mine today, let me ramble on rather self-centred, oh, i meant self-reflectively..
I try to tell others and myself that since my birthday falls in this terrible period when your professors/teachers/tutors (pick one according to which level of education applies) are determined to ascertain whether you've given all that they've tried to impart to you back to them, or whether you've fulfilled that miniscule hope and retained some semblance of knowledge enough to write anything but gibberish, i dont place much store by it, and am perfectly willing to see it as just another day. not much choice, is there, when the night before i sleep at 12 not because im waiting for the hoped-for flood of birthday greetings, but to try and cram every last bit of my textbook into my head. Deep inside, however, i think i do feel that nagging sadness when the day draws nearer and nearer to its end, especially when it hits the late afternoon, and i dont have very many seconds to treasure left, those that had passed precious. I sometimes try to stay up, just so i can savour each and every minute of my special day.
A familiar feeling hits me.. old friend from last year, and i have an inkling that come 11tonight i will be rather dismal. strange how last night should be happier than this one, today a little less bright than how i imagined it, my pleasure a little leess great than i had hoped..
ohwell. happy birthday to me (: not a teenager anymore.. haha..and thank you so much to all those who remembered, you're the ones who make this day special, and worth keeping, and polishing, i will tell you about it in years to come, just as an athelete (i so totally am not one) will remenisce about her trophies.........
heh not a depressing post, i hope.. just felt rather poignant and that this was appropriate.
weiwei (: at 12:04 AM