Monday, February 12, 2007
thoughts and decisions
I think sometimes the reason why I keep re-visiting the past stems from a fear of the future, it's uncertainties and what unpleasant things it might bring. Afraid that it won't measure up to what I'm used to, or even my expectations. Then again, as steph said, don't compare.. true.. cos that way it won't be hard to be happy since there's really no barrier.Ahh well another thing.. I guess I just messed things up, but hey, at least I don't have to see whoever so I'll just leave it alone as meimei says and well it'll be fine. I don't even know what I really want which just makes it all the worse, and I guess I really wish I could just be happy with the way things are now and content with my life. I don't want to always be wishing for more, and I guess I really want to be able to be filled with God such that I don't need other stuff, or at least that other stuff won't be uppermost on my mind.
I pray that I will really committ to God this year, that cell and church and basically just knowing Him more will be my priority, that my thoughts, actions and words will really be pleasing to Him, and that really my motivation will be what He wants. I know that it will be hard to give up stuff for cell and church, especially when I want to be involved in so much- even while praying about it on the bus I was having reservations about whether I would be able to do it, but I trust that He will see me through it.
Thank God, too, that at long last I'm finally accepting reality (: guess this is as good a time as any so I'm really glad. I won't presume too much though, and make the mistake I've made so many times before and just jump in thinking all is well when I'm honestly just deluding myself. It feels different this time though.. but I also know that steph having her doubts about how alright I am is justified.. I've just reverted too many times before for her and myself to be absolutely sure.
Let me let go, oh Lord.
weiwei (: at 6:15 AM