Smile.

Good old Sincerity Courage Generosity Service

2007-12-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

Today, my mum went to SCGS to collect a bunch of tshirts i had ordered awhile ago.. they were part of some fund-raising for the SCGS endowment fund, and organised or at least run by the sc prefectorial board. I first received word of this sale a few months back, forwarded to me by a friend, and my first thought was wow, amazing, it reached me! and also that they were having such a funky sale thing.. so i emailed the email given, and a few days later received confirmation of my order.
A month ago, I was told that my order was ready, and there were three dates i could choose from to collect the shirts.. I missed all three due to forgetfulness and exams, and amazingly i got another email reminding me to collect the shirts at ANOTHER date, arranged for those who had missed the first three dates..
And so today, my mum collected the shirts cos i had to attend the service learning course, and i was again surprised to find that it had gone without a hitch.. my order wasnt screwed up, there was no confusion although it was my mum who had gone, which led me to several conclusions.. they must have had crystal clear records (both of orders and our particulars), which from my experience in scouts, is really hard, considering they didnt have direct contact with any of us, and they must also have had a huge amount of orders.. which meant alot of liasing with the shirt suppliers, and with all us old girls as well.. i was like.. whoa, this was a really large-scale project, and really well done, very efficient and buyer-friendly at that..
and so, pleased with my new tshirts, happy with the chance to keep in touch with SCGS and delude myself that im still there, and $30 poorer, i sent my first ever email of commendation! haha hope it makes someone happier or encourages someone (: glad to see the girls getting the learning opportunities from running such a thing..

arabian nights

2007-11-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

arrrraaaabiaaan niiiigghhts, like arrrraaaabiiiiaan daaaayyys......
hee (: well one very special arabian night certainly made my day...
thanks to all who came last night! a whole bunch of people like shamir, austin, weihao, justin, sherm, in addition to liz, yz and steph who i thought i was having dinner with turned up at makkaresh in clarke quay!
hehe unfortunately for steph, my reaction was less than satisfactory, "ehh hello".. twas weihao's birthday as well, so the birthday boy and girl were treated to two lovely cakes and drinks by everyone.. yummy chocolate and creamy tiramisu topped off the evening of exotic middle morrocan fare like kebabs, hummus with pita bread and grilled chicken.. conversation and laughter flowed liberally, helped by the fuzzy feeling the drinks brought on, i suppose.. presents! (: hee i liked both the decoy and the real one very much.. heh pretty flowery pencil case, although i have to agree with steph now when she says my taste is abit ah-ma-tic.. and the winnie the pooh plaster.. wah damn cute! shall keep it til it turns yellow or something, which makes it IMpractical.. haha
shall also put the funky jewellery box that looks like a plush armchair in the place of honour on my new cupboard/sideboard thingie when i move! (: mummy's sure to say, aiyo another thing to display ah...
and for my reading pleasure now that the exams're over, a lovely collection of poems.. haha shall read and be inspired.. so cool how i can be reading my leisure books, but when mummy asks what i'm doing, i can tell her i'm reading for school or something.. haha..

you really shouldn't have, silly.. and of course i loved it (:

birthdays

2007-11-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

the shortest day of the year isn't, contrary to popular belief, the winter solstice.. it is, in fact, one's birthdays.
are they some sort of collectible? like a prize, "oh you've lived another year on earth, here's a birthday for you".. and we go down the line, amassing them and placing them in our special trophy cupboard.. after a while we realise they're might be lumping into each other and becoming rather homogeneous, except for the truly memorable ones, perhaps.. yet we still polish our memories lovingly, making ever more space for new ones, future ones, in our little cupboard full of shining moments..
year after year, as that special day draws nearer, i find myself getting happier and looking forward to it and the tons of special things it will bring, nevermind that i say i don't bother and that it usually falls in the midst of my exams when im also not supposed to bother, but shouldn't a whole host of lovely, unexpected, joyous things happen to one on your birthday? somehow, it seems the world should work that way. yes, i know alot of people don't have the luxury of celebrating their birthdays, some don't even know when it is, but since it is mine today, let me ramble on rather self-centred, oh, i meant self-reflectively..
I try to tell others and myself that since my birthday falls in this terrible period when your professors/teachers/tutors (pick one according to which level of education applies) are determined to ascertain whether you've given all that they've tried to impart to you back to them, or whether you've fulfilled that miniscule hope and retained some semblance of knowledge enough to write anything but gibberish, i dont place much store by it, and am perfectly willing to see it as just another day. not much choice, is there, when the night before i sleep at 12 not because im waiting for the hoped-for flood of birthday greetings, but to try and cram every last bit of my textbook into my head. Deep inside, however, i think i do feel that nagging sadness when the day draws nearer and nearer to its end, especially when it hits the late afternoon, and i dont have very many seconds to treasure left, those that had passed precious. I sometimes try to stay up, just so i can savour each and every minute of my special day.
A familiar feeling hits me.. old friend from last year, and i have an inkling that come 11tonight i will be rather dismal. strange how last night should be happier than this one, today a little less bright than how i imagined it, my pleasure a little leess great than i had hoped..
ohwell. happy birthday to me (: not a teenager anymore.. haha..and thank you so much to all those who remembered, you're the ones who make this day special, and worth keeping, and polishing, i will tell you about it in years to come, just as an athelete (i so totally am not one) will remenisce about her trophies.........
heh not a depressing post, i hope.. just felt rather poignant and that this was appropriate.

plumpy

2007-11-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

when i can fit into that pair of jeans i bought while i was in australia and very chubby, i panic. usually when my other jeans get tight, its just "ohwell, maybe i have added a few inches?cm? to my hips/waist (insert appropriate body part), but when i realise they're really too snug for comfort - in the way that i cant sit down without them hurting, and have to turn to my "fatfat" pair, only to realise they fit prety well instead of the perfect situation of sliding off instantly, something hits me! and i think, "i'm actually FAT". I've observed, and correct me if i'm wrong, that there are generally three body shapes.. the nice concave, the rather scary tube, and the mm even more scary sphere kind of shape.. i'm in danger of becoming a tube, i think!

And so while i muse on that very discomforting thought, i need a little something to take my mind off it and make me feel better.. i think i'll just have another slice of brownie.. after all, a girl's gotta have her comfort food...

foodie

2007-10-07T00:27:00.000-07:00

i think i'm really a foodie.. realised it when i got this fuzzy feeling inside this morning when i found out my maid went to NTUC yesterday especially to buy the tom yam noodles i adore.. they were out of stock, but imagine how i felt when it dawned on me she had gone just for me, because she knew i would want to eat those noodles.. she bought vitagen and two cartons of my favourite orange juice too.. oh dear.. felt a distinct pang, one of guilt? that i've never been so considerate to my parents or her? one of immense emotion? one that brought on the even more upsetting realisation that this wasn't the first time, my mum's always asking me what i want to eat, buying things she knows i'll like or appreciate, my dad's always making time to fetch me from somewhere.. gosh. how their gestures are unappreciated, how grossly for granted i take them..

family reunion

2007-10-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

words can scarce express how good it felt just to be sitting and laughing in the familiar, and indefinitely comfortable, company of old friends. Our table of 5- steph, justin, guosheng, sherman, myself (:

haha.. needed such an event to spur me to blog.. guess it was really quite something.. indeed! walas was the perfect place to start our evening, with CRISPY chicken wings, lovely authentic bacon that smothered our pizza liberally, and conversation that flowed as freely as the beer..

steph and i were so happily munching away, camwhoring, soaking in the atmosphere, and chatting, that we looked incredulously at each other when justin announced it was 2145 and that we should adjourn to essential brew cos lydia, yz and eve couldn't get upstairs..

the tea proved a great foil for the heavy stuff we had earlier on, albeit tasting a little like colgate.. haha guess mint tea does that.. interesting feeling though, having taken more than one sip of beer at a time, cos we were rushing to leave walas.. felt pleasantly warm and.. happy? haha..

all the sheep, firmly in one anothers' present, our shared past; that which bound us together, floated across my thoughts several times.. something good did come out of our time in Melody Of Euphoria, didn't it? felt wonderful to have come out of it, with lovely memories and friends

Downward Spiral

2007-08-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Inadequacies. Perhaps I'd never really bothered, perhaps it was complacency brought about by a false sense of superiority, but it's all too painfully clear now how lacking it was- in depth, in scope, in language even. Sloppy and self-indulgent attempts, tragic pieces detailing my minute setbacks and insignificant concerns. Even more lucid now, the fact that those concerns weren't neccesarily those of any consequence, but often for some tiny misdemeanour of another, of my imagined lack of something. Again, how ironically so, that this rant is, in itself, self-centred.

Progress is supposed to mean an improvement, a movement forward, isn't it? Instead, why do I feel like I'm flying straight down?

solitude

2007-08-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

sounds of merriment- my
closed door
bars the way.
plugged in, hollow carnival music to
drown it out.
long, yet remain stubborn.
regret, yet stay put.
rouse and rabble,
chorus and cheer,
in the thick of things.
still- as a few heartbeats ago-
my closed door shuts
it
all
out.

why, then, do i still hear it?

Second time around

2007-08-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

This is my second attempt, why does it seem even harder than the first? Why does it seem to be plagued by even more miscommunication than the first? You'd have thought I'd have learnt by now.

Feeling slightly bogged down, what with new school, subjects to get used to, and the increasingly tighter time frame. Not much time to sort my mind out. Everything's just in a CLUMP, not nice little pockets. I want a waffle brain!

I hope they aren't angry with us, especially he seems to be, quite often. I don't think we were in the wrong, BUT since we don't really have irrevocable proof that we're right, I don't think they'd be happy if we insisted the mistake was their's, either.

Hope everything works out soon, we three'll get through this.

Dear Lord, we committ this event into your hands, may all go smoothly, by your grace. Help us to have clear minds and calm hearts as we go about organising it and dealing with our subcomms, help us to see where they're coming from, and to always be patient. Help us also to, in the midst of our new workloads, and this, always seek solace and wisdom from you. In Jesus' sweet name I pray, Amen.

Neuroses

2007-07-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so paranoid, so petty, so jealous, so selfish. Neurotic.

Oh Lord, let my thoughts not be always on that which they are, let me learn how to love you with every bit of my heart, except that which you and I agree to give to others. Let not my thoughts be devoted to any thing but you, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

cheeeeeeesecake and daddy's growing tummy

2007-06-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

this morning i was awakened from my slumber by mummy asking me to eat cheesecake for breakfast.. quite shocked, cos since when do parents ask their kids to eat something so fat-laden from the morning meal.. only after she explained did i understand..

apparently my dad's been working diligently away at the cake, eating a bit of it without fail everyday.. and putting inches on his tummy and in his arteries in the process.. so my maid and i are supposed to finish the cake off so he wont be able to continue devouring it.. haha

class dinner and clubbing on saturday.. heh daddy sponsored me (: lots of steamy scenes on the dance floor with people masquerading as dancers when they're gropers or make-out-with-gf/bf-ers.. sigh.

I CAN PLAY MAHJONG NOW! thanks to delta tango! thank you mr lee!

Bitter words

2007-06-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

I realised something during a conversation with a friend last night, often times when a barb is directed at us or we feel hurt by what someone has said, our first reaction is to retort with something stinging, hoping that whoever's on the receiving end will feel hurt too. Our prickly defences often cause alot more hurt than there needed to be, and so it goes on..

This reminds me of a blog post that steph wrote a few months back about the power of the words we speak, this verse written there was the one that came into my mind this morning too..

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger... The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit' (Proverbs 15: 1,4)

It's very true, on hindsight.. that we should guard our tongues, for from it all sorts of ugly things can come pouring.. things that have been ruining relationships for centuries.. and to make it easier on ourselves, since censoring what you say all the time can be so very difficult, we should also censor our minds first.. haha cos if we dont have the thoughts, or cut them off before they can develop, then they wont be able to gain speed and pop out in words.

Another thing that I realised is that we really shouldn't get angry at others cos it just makes you miserable.. I'm not saying that moping around and finding excuses for them is a good way, so not, trust me.. but I don't see the point in working yourself up just cos someone has chosen to be less than civil to you.. easier said than done, yes.. haha so that's something to work on!

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph4:31

come back to earth and turn anti-clockwise

2007-06-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

Time flew this past week since group camp.. it's really been a whole week. Strangely though, lots of people seem to know about my unemployment, don't remember being so exuberant that I screamed it from a rooftop so I must have told them, somehow.. haha. Enjoying having nothing to do, packing still continues but will come to an abrupt halt and about-turn tmr. UNPACKING.

Been going out quite abit this past week, walas with justin and steph, picked a pok table so we were shouting at each other the whole night trying to be heard. haha. Shopped like mad before that, spent enough money to buy and launch a bomb, which mum did when she found out how much I'd spent. And that wasn't even with full disclosure of the sum. haha. Happy with my purchases though, hadn't been on a spree since forever. Cured of my withdrawal symptoms, for now. Or at least til my wallet holds out.

Feeling a tad dizzy now.. haha should get my feet planted firmly on the ground before I come crashing down and it HURTS like mad. oh dear. I hope that doesnt happen. ):

Anyway, guess I'll have to settle down soon, tell myself I'll be reading eng lit in ntu this august.

Three of them are leaving for two weeks tomorrow.. I'll miss them, YiZHONG, shamir, austin.. God speed.

food of love

2007-06-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

I think cooking is really an expression of love.. When you cook something for someone, you first have to consider what that person would like.. you have to know that person.. and then the painstaking prep work.. the adjusting of taste to that person's preferences..

haha just a random thought sparked off by mummy cooking some stew for my uncle who just had a cataract operation.. and how she always boils soup for me and makes me drink it.. remembered how I would want to cook or at least make desserts for those I loved.. How I wanted them to enjoy something that I made, to bring happiness to them for that one moment (:

snippets from group camp.

2007-06-07T20:38:00.000-07:00

My first group camp (: half of me was enjoying the relative slackness of sitting around talking nonsense waiting for the food to arrive, the other half wanted to be in ubin with steph and liz.. haha. anyway some funny bits that happened..

Me: Hey steph, some stupid person hung your bag of first aid supplies on my kitchen door
Steph: huh
Me: and some even stupider person took it as a rubbish bag.. now its got drink packets and stuff in it...
Steph: WAH LAU EHHH

Wingkei: Eh weishan ah I don't think you should leave the food in the fridge leh.. I saw a cockroach inside..
Me: ???!!! AHH
Both (after opening the fridge door): eeeekkkk!! ka ka!!

Anyway, I really appreciated the independence with which the leaders allowed me to work, always always being unfailingly supportive but never intrusive. How readily they offered their assistance, how anxious they were about things that I was, too. Thank you!!! (:

memories

2007-05-22T19:47:00.000-07:00

the day on which i'll have to uproot and move draws ever nearer.. and as i was packing my stuff, i realised there was just so much to put away, all little pieces of my life. mum kept bugging me to throw stuff away, citing how small the new place is, but there was this nagging reluctance to get rid of even the smallest piece of paper, the ugliest and dirtiest soft toy.

photos, notes, even exam scripts and useless trinklets, they fill box after box. anyway feeling so nostalgic today so here're some photos (:

steph and i at POTO (:

the three of us on TIE day haha

our little sheep family! fondue.. yum!

welcome to LIM CHU KANG!

chronicles of melody of euphoria

2007-05-16T18:39:00.001-07:00

One sunny day, in the sleepy village Melody of Euphoria, several events were taking place. The sheep didn’t know it yet, but they would be affected by these events in an unconceivable way.

Sheepsong and sheeppo were exiled to another factory on the outskirts of the village, while the goat was left alone for the time being. Sheepsai was alone in the middle of the pig-pen, but still the pigs refused to be civil. They made snide comments about how slow and unintelligent sheepsai was, all the while filled with self-righteous pride. They snorted on endlessly, delighting in their perceived resemblance to the graceful swans that flew in the sky.

Meanwhile, sheepsong wasn’t having a wonderful time either. In her attempts to seek solace and companionship from the goat in order to keep her sane, she caught the attention of auntie jackal, who was dissatisfied with this. Sheepsong was unlucky enough to be caught like a deer (or sheep) in the headlights on almost every rare occasion that she was munching on some grass on the slopes with the goat, and auntie jackal decided that the only way to prevent this was to pile sheepsong with so much work that she wouldn’t have free time. On the contrary, this new workload only caused sheepsong to need her breaks all the more, and eventually upset her so much that she decided to leave Melody of Euphoria, much to the dismay of the other villagers.

Her departure date was picked, and the sheep all looked on it with sadness. Baaaaaaa, they thought, a sheep is leaaaaaving… how maaaany more will follow?

inspiration, aspiration

2007-05-16T18:38:00.002-07:00

Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Peter 3:4 (New International Version)

long overdue post

2007-05-16T18:38:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking last night before sleep came and claimed me.. why do we tell others things? why do we open our hearts up to them?

maybe we want some advice, maybe we want comfort.. sometimes we just want to let it out and feel the burden lifted just because we've shared it with someone? whatever the reason, it was really something to think about. Which led me on to the next question, why do we do certain things? heh.

k just some thoughts.. this weekend seems to have been a very pensive one. sat in for the ventures' group camp meeting and left with alot of things mull over. i was so unhappy with OW and his female counterpart for the things they did, like how they kept feeding us their ideas and all.. but after saturday, I certainly hope I wont be so quick to condemn them in the future.

Praise Him

2007-05-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

I'm sorry

2007-04-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

-James 5:16

What peace we know when we confess to whoever we've hurt with our words, our actions, our thoughts.

Miss you.

2007-04-11T01:07:00.000-07:00

Some photos of where I hope to spend winter this year..

This is Chinatown.. Little Bourke (if i remember correctly).. the egg rice from a1 is nice (:

And this is the street junction near my house.. Elgin and Lygon. With the familiar tram..

And here where we made arrangements to meet very often, the nike on swanston and bourke

Near Crown on the Yarra river..

And one of the buildings of my school, Trinity College.. The dining hall is in there (: Although we wander all over the unimelb campus as well..

Will I see you soon?

.

2007-04-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

I think alot of times we know things about ourselves that are very true, and not very pretty. But we always choose to deny it vehemently when others point them out, arguing for the sake of arguing. When all the time we know we're in the wrong.

Or how other times we know somethings not right but we choose to gloss over it and mitigate the whole incident. I wish I could be more mature and face up to things, to really think stuff through and see my own faults before I make it worse. To think deeply, to think critically. Does that come with training?

reflections

2007-04-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

I think it's time to think, to look inward, abit of reflection is always good. After reading yz/steph/siti's blogs.. I guess I need to ask myself what I'm doing, am I being a hedonistic individual who only does things when there's something in it for myself, am I living up to things that I've committed and promised to?

It's sobering, really. I remember that time in sec1 when miss tan came up to me and asked me to recite the guide promise.. and asked me if I thought I was really doing my best. This feels like that moment again. There are so many things that I'm doing which honestly don't benefit anyone at all. There are also many things that I could do but simply refuse to or ignore their presence.

What, exactly, am I working towards, if anything at all?

Get back on course.

can you Bounce?

2007-04-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

The weekend passed in a blur, a not entirely pleasant one.. Saturday was just a whole mess of activity, endless rushing and I just felt so tired at the end of it. Slight disappointments and mixed feelings left me kinda confused, and investiture ended late. Sleep was certainly good, thanks to Alex who sent Liz and I home to my bed (:

MTV hiphop and street jazz yesterday morning were fun! Felt a little stressed before that but it was exciting alright..Aching now, especially my neck from the head movements haha

Anyway had a nice long chat with Jamie and peanut last night. Was trying to understand how it is that there are certain things we know we shouldn't do, and we know as well that the desire comes on the spur of the moment and if we resist it it will soon pass.. yet we allow ourselves to do these things, and unavoidably regret them later. Strange creatures we are...

-

2007-03-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

your reticence is certainly puzzling, was it because of something I did? could it be that perhaps i'm disturbing, in more ways than one? ohwell i don't know, but i do know that maybe trying to do something about it will only make it worse. so.....
let's just leave it at that.

anyway..not much doing these last weeks, managed to get my applications done but the documents aren't sent in yet..want to go for the UK trip but haven't broached the subject yet..was on leave the whole of last week and spent an enjoyable four days lazing around at home, eating, sleeping, watching tv and reading (: haha i read like 7 books in 2days which was tiring but something I hadn't done for so long.. haha the intensity of it all.. discovering new stories and getting lost in someone else's world for awhile.. Read a mix of books i suppose.. fantasy and bimbotic tween books.. some literary stuff and some old favourites..

on this night of a thousand stars

2007-03-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

Jon's commissioning ball last night, good food, darling company, wonderful surroundings. Was quite a pleasant surprise how the army drilled them in etiquette and things like that (: Lots of gentlemanly behavior all round.

Met a few people I didn't expect to, and photos up when kelly sends them!

strange urges

2007-03-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

It's odd, when one sudden feels the prompting to write again, to try expressing thoughts in words properly. The familiar, yet distant, feeling of musing over the choice of words, the cadence, the syntax.. Wondering whether it ought to be so well-thought or if it should instead be spontaneity to the max.

Exciting it is, that cannot be denied, the wish to see what words those letters form, what pictures those words paint and sometimes it just bubbles up and frantically, I begin writing. Little wells of inspiration, tiny pockets of thought. The perfect word/work is indeed elusive.

Throwing out little bits of incomprehensible nonsense, trying to tie them together with common lines, imagery and little bits of passion, hoping that somehow it'll evolve and present itself.

I know I'm stealing this from steph, but whimsical rhapsodies is a nice combi of words!

heartache

2007-03-15T01:47:00.000-07:00

that word just sounds really dramatic and cliched, used in situations of extreme emotion and grief that kinda thing..

but somehow the people who wrote that were simply expressing how they felt, not metaphorically either, but a physical sort of ache inside. It's not a sharp pain, but dull, hence the word "ache".. and I guess I've seriously felt it. It's strange really, that realisation that this is what those people were talking about..

interesting, aye?

above

2007-03-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

looking up

at her wonderous display,

the towering peaks

of CLOUDS, interspersed with rays.

early they glow, rosy

and shy,then brilliant and

breathtaking, an overture in the sky.

at times azure, at others a stormy grey,
powerful magic to enchant
whoever comes her way.
gazing upon her beauty,
held in her sway.

her allure threefold when

night dims the sun,

adorned with filigreed finery,

once every day is done.

spend your days, half in a daze,

await the dusky twilight

and that land of your

dreams. In slumber so

sweet, live how you will,

see what you wish,

love who you would.

update

2007-03-15T00:16:00.000-07:00

My head is in the clouds...

My heart is out at sea...

Alas, my feet are on the ground, I cannot soar free!

New pretty pictures to make your/my day! I want to be an air stewardess/sailor! Anything to keep my feet off the ground haha

nothing much, really.. eh went for the IRAS thingie last night, had fun giggling with liz about silly things, and the mango ice thing i had for dessert/dinner was yummy (:

got home pretty late, managed to fall asleep in front of the tv watching american idol (how old am I?).. lunch at sally's today watching them play pingpong, a rather idyllic afternoon, if i may say so myself..

ball tmr! can't decide which black dress to wear, mine, or steph's. Each has it's pros and cons i suppose.. but I don't really have shoes to go with either and there isn't time to shop! Not exactly looking very much forward to sitting down for a few hours (which will seem an eternity, I'm sure) and just have to make small talk the whole time.. not exactly my idea of fun but ahh we shall see. New experience, after all..

halt.

2007-03-13T02:18:00.000-07:00

I would like to stop what I'm doing, what I'm going through.. I want to cause of it all to go away and with it other more complicated feelings..

Wanting and yet not knowing how to go about it, afraid of being found out and then maybe the distance will multiply, a yawning chasm it already is.

False hope, maybe normal occurances interpreted wrongly, in a delusion. Mind playing tricks and wrecking havoc with me.

It's not the past anymore, it's the future, that much I'm glad of. But
it doesnt make it better.

Halt, stop, cease.

Flashes of realisation, but always back into the mire, never lifting free, never far away. I need to have a clear mind, crystalline, lucid, wiped of all of You.

AHHH

2007-03-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

AHH i should just have stuck to it. I took a chance, and hey it's pretty ok, except why the hell are you being so hostile and prickly?

Feeling kinda shaky now.. literally, my hands are shaking. Gosh.

Ooh I'm posting an AWFUL lot today, aye?

Frown.

2007-03-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

BAH HUMBUG. In such a bad mood now and honestly I don't know why. OK maybe I've an inkling of why but it's just a trigger I'm guessing, not the main act. Annoyed even further by the gaiety of the people around me, it's not that I'm mad they're not asking after me, it's more like they're just noisy. But oh well it's just little miss sulky who's angry at the whole world for even existing. Honestly feel everything's just sweeping past, too tiring to try to catch up, integrate, participate.

Feeling really frustrated now, not really at my results, or lack thereof, more like my inability to prove to others that I'm capable. Of producing results, of speaking well, of expressing myself eloquently.. of being zai, basically. It's not the best feeling in the world, wanting to prove that I could make it even after what happened and failing miserably.

Want to while my time away mindlessly.. I want to read the dictionary and have such an impressive vocab.. I want to know how to spell deluge- as in a flood, that kinda thing (is that even right?).. AH.

Ramblings of a grouch.

On another note, I feel like taking a week off work.. Ahh.

mediocrity

2007-03-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

A level results were released on friday.. and they weren't the most glowing of results. In fact, one could say they were rather mediocre.

Pretty dismal the last few days, considering my limited choices and plagued with worry over entrance, not alleviated in the least by mummy calling to scream at me at intervals of 10 minutes.

Spent a brainless night at xuwen's watching wallace & gromit and just generally not exercising my brain other than deciding which packet of chips to attack first. Tried a lovely small bottle of white wine that looked pink? heh.

Last night was thai express.. dinner with yz and ruhan and i'm officiallybroke. NO MORE SPENDING. bah.

The last two days

2007-03-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

As yz said, the last two days were indeed lovely (: wonderful company and fun!

We brought scary out for dinner on wednesday night, my first time eating at the soup restaurant. Ate a disgusting amount of food, which was.. alright? The soup didn't at all fulfill expectations though, it was super salty, and had the smelly pork taste instead of lotus root flavour nyeh.

Next on the programme was singing! heh we literally dragged him to kbox with alot of whining, pouting and poking, not all by us, too. finally made our way there feeling slightly guilty for forcing him into something he probably really didn't want to do, excerbated by the fact that it was supposed to be his night. happy at the same time too, of course.

Anyway the night ended with him kindly sending all of us home haha. SO not fun for him.

Last night was the-night-before-the results! So steph yz and i headed off to holland v for drinks and dinner (: tried my first cosmopolitan.. yum.

And so today is the day.

Lord, may your comfort and peace that transcends all understanding be with us, always.

Happenings...

2007-02-28T22:37:00.000-08:00

Investiture last friday, so am a rover now (: just after one night, so much seems to have changed.. for the better?

SA community hospital visit for Founder's day on saturday, quite fun finding this old lady who was the prim and proper convent school kind heh. Was so tired though, esp at cell, but then again we only had about an hour of sleep at KH's house.. Was very generous of him to bring us home though, letting the girls hog the bed and sofa.

Sunday consisted of waking up with a slightly swollen eye, and then baptism class followed by going shopping alone and spending an OBSCENE amount of money. -will not spend anymore!-

This week was generally uneventful.. i mean how can you beat visiting a ww2 site at night, right? Just work and home again apart from the seamanship meeting on tuesday..

Results out tmr.. and part of me wants them, and another part doesnt. somehow i wish i cld stay in this.. limbo of sorts.. oh well we'll see how it goes.. TOMORROW.

CLICK ON "FEBUARY 2007" to read new ones!!

2007-02-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

totally random but ehh im not married ): cos my uncle brought his girlfriend to reunion dinner today ma.. no matter, HAHA im mad!

anyhow the familiar "suan1" feeling was back again today, hearing about someone's day.. ahhh well good approach to take though, pretending it was imaginary. Shall BANISH those thoughts to last yr and a miniscule portion of my brain!

More important stuff to think about, investiture! to be or not to be, that is the question.. sigh

paddle your own canoe..

SATs results

2007-02-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

thank God (: The results for SATs are out (so fast!) and I'm pleased to announce that it went ok. Only hope for a repeat when its time for the A's!

So blessed, I can't contain it, so blessed I've got to give it away! Your love has taught me to live now, You are more than enough for me!

HINTING

2007-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Silly officers who just keep hinting that they want this done or that done..

While victim is rushing the name tents for the history unit like mad, come along and start asking abt steph and the work she was doing before she took leave.. that's step 1

step 2, inquire about her whereabouts and make little comments about how her work was due yesterday and how important it is.. at this point, your victim is supposed to be feeling guilty/sorry for you and might offer to take over the work

If he/she does not, proceed to step 3. retreat, and return in 10 minutes sounding a little more frantic (so bloody annoyingly so), and basically reiterate the same stuff you said earlier, making sure to mention that even if the original person carried on tomorrow it would be, unfortunately, too late.

If all else fails, look for some admin lackey who will delegate the job onto your victim who, in this case, cannot refuse because the lackey is even more infuriating and such an ass that afore mentioned victim will acquiesce to your request just to get rid of her.

There, mission accomplished, you've snared a unsuspecting MARIA to do your job for you.

thanks

2007-02-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

To you- Thanks for checking in on me, I won't get the wrong idea so don't worry. Enjoy the rest of your day too!

Whoever's really nice I guess. ohwell. anyway slacking around the house today watching videos on youtube.. some HK show called under the canopy of love.. the protagonists are so cute together heh. Outing with the girls tmr.. whatever shall we wear and where shall we go?

Down time rocks haha (: all too soon my day of R & R will be over though.. back to real life it is..

Pretty ship, aye?

thoughts and decisions

2007-02-12T06:15:00.000-08:00

I think sometimes the reason why I keep re-visiting the past stems from a fear of the future, it's uncertainties and what unpleasant things it might bring. Afraid that it won't measure up to what I'm used to, or even my expectations. Then again, as steph said, don't compare.. true.. cos that way it won't be hard to be happy since there's really no barrier.

Ahh well another thing.. I guess I just messed things up, but hey, at least I don't have to see whoever so I'll just leave it alone as meimei says and well it'll be fine. I don't even know what I really want which just makes it all the worse, and I guess I really wish I could just be happy with the way things are now and content with my life. I don't want to always be wishing for more, and I guess I really want to be able to be filled with God such that I don't need other stuff, or at least that other stuff won't be uppermost on my mind.

I pray that I will really committ to God this year, that cell and church and basically just knowing Him more will be my priority, that my thoughts, actions and words will really be pleasing to Him, and that really my motivation will be what He wants. I know that it will be hard to give up stuff for cell and church, especially when I want to be involved in so much- even while praying about it on the bus I was having reservations about whether I would be able to do it, but I trust that He will see me through it.

Thank God, too, that at long last I'm finally accepting reality (: guess this is as good a time as any so I'm really glad. I won't presume too much though, and make the mistake I've made so many times before and just jump in thinking all is well when I'm honestly just deluding myself. It feels different this time though.. but I also know that steph having her doubts about how alright I am is justified.. I've just reverted too many times before for her and myself to be absolutely sure.

Let me let go, oh Lord.

.

2007-02-09T01:36:00.000-08:00

Was just reliving my memories of old SAJC, and again I find myself thinking it was so much better when we were there. Dingy though it was, and not exactly comfortable, it’s nooks and crannies hold many memories heh. Especially the reading room, where Jes and I spent many an enjoyable day masquerading as hardworking students, all the while taking in the “view” laid out before us- in the form of two people who happened to be in the same class. Haha oh dear such perverts we were (:

Anyhow, I’m really afraid about my results.. I’ve never really had something as important as this hinge on one little slip of paper, and this time round, I’ve really no back-up plan. Silly circumstances that happened just before my A’s came around, and I’m really not sure whether I was badly affected. Seeing how people were when they got their O results today.. I wonder how it’ll be like for me. I didn’t get the chance to open my own O result slip, and I was watching my younger classmates freak out around me two years back.. This time it’s really my turn. I’m undeniably afraid.

Dance

2007-02-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

Colours swirl,

golden hems twirl,

synchronised in time,

frozen like a scene from a

brocade tapestry.

Rich, colourful, sheer beauty.

Feet stamp,

hands clap,

to the endless music of the drums,

beating out a rhythm of joy.

Figures dancing with utter abandon.

Skirts flaring out like so many brilliant pinwheels.

Leap, and touch the sky.

Reach, and laugh, smile.

Lose yourself in dance, and touch your heart in the music.

Enjoy.

~Don't know why.. just felt like revisiting my old stuff..

Split

2007-02-08T01:43:00.000-08:00

Isn't it sad how friends just vanish from your life? They just slowly disappear, as if covered by mist or something, til they're not even there any longer.

I used to ask mummy why she had so few friends, and now I understand - it really is all that easy to lose someone, and vice versa. Hell, it's even easy to lose your family, if you're so caught up with other stuff that all you do is sleep when you get home.

Time after time it happens, and not only to me, but to others who tell me their stories, others who share the agony.. sometimes it really doesn't hurt all that much, and you wonder whether you really ever cherished that someone, or whether it was a relationship of convenience birthed by close proximity. Other times you just find yourself not talking, and realise hey, so-and-so really doesn't mean all that much to me, and I'm sure it's mutual.

Another question, is it true that closeness breeds contempt? I'd like to believe not, but then how does one explain why everyone wants to talk to the new guy, we all rush to introduce ourselves and be friendly, neglecting those who used to be new, and sometimes disregarding them completely.

I sound really mopey and negative writing this, it's not even very moving or thought-provoking, but i suppose it's something that just happens. Cynicism is not always good, i guess.

One by one, they go their seperate ways.

barriers

2007-02-08T01:39:00.000-08:00

Why is it that I can't seem to get through? There's always this.. formality, this.. reticence. I don't want to seem an idiot for wanting it any different, but I don't want to stay this distant either. BAH.

on another note.. feeling slightly unwell, i dont even feel like going dancing anymore tonight.. i just want to sleep.

lightheaded, fainthearted, weakminded, that's me.

st john's escapade

2007-02-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

Back from scary st john's island.. powerboat rides were immense fun, love the feeling (: except when the sea spray or WATER sloshes all over you and everything is wet. everything. other than that, drama on the high seas with both boats being out of fuel together and being towed back to the jetty.. I heard about the head-on collision and running aground..

having a terrible headache now ): anyway was the maria, albeit an unexperienced one who couldn't sweep the scout van nor wash dishes without saying how the soap would spoil my hands heh. The camaraderie with the rest of the AIs is something to cherish, but it will pass, i'm sure. Most things do, given enough time.

Sleepless night again, even less sleep than VSC and gangshow, i'm getting good at this no sleep thing haha.. steph was right when she said ventures does this to you.

did colours, my first time (: and i was the runner haha so the night before during my watch i kept shouting at the sea while steph and wh piped. here's a description of how i looked like, courtesy of dw:
"she looked v sad, then kept glancing at the watch. then when it's almost time she'll keep looking at the watch"
haha anyway it was nerve-wracking, seriously.. shouting in front of so many people and never having done it before.. oh they woke the people up by piping wakey wakey in the morning and dw and ch just slept the whole way through til wh and steph stood right in front of their bed and piped like mad. haha only then did he stir.

my hair's still tangled from the salt water grr!

i want to be a waterbaby.

Updates..

2007-01-30T17:40:00.001-08:00

Righto, I've been too lazy to update these past few weeks heh.. Took SATs last saturday at acjc. Gosh the main thing that kills, in my opinion, is the time limit! Not only how tight it is, but how many questions there are and hence how terribly long the whole thing is! sat there for almost 4 hours straight! brr.

Seamanship first session went well (: and it was really a relief to have gotten the teaching over and done with.. now we can concentrate on having fun! haha not really, much admin work to do. Now that I mention admin work, compiling the email addresses was not fun at all.. Nyeh shan't complain, after all.. this hellwork is financing my shopping (:

Dancing yesterday night, thanks blurie for being such a good.. can't find the word.. The closest I can come up with is host? heh yupp you dance well, too! And your driving is really not bad :p I'm going to catch up while you're in aussieland! tralala first time at a salsa club yesterday, and it's really funky haha the music just permeates your bones and you feel like dancing! A very interesting experince, indeed.. Then dessert at lau pa sat was yet another novelty.. Hadn't been there in ages and the peach was yummy!

But grr once again I see my writing's deproving! help me!

new things done...

2007-01-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

January is almost up, and once again, the last year has brought a whole lot of firsts.. here are some of them..

1) Sleeping in the open! (on ubin, at that)
2) Championing a gangshow (:
3) Started salsa lessons
4) Got driven around
5) Not eat at home for three weeks straight
6) Work!
7) Had waterbombs thrown at me
8) Ate a whole 5 course thai dinner with steph
9) Went to HK without my parents..
10) Went to sisters' island
11) Applied fake nails
12) Went clubbing (let's go again?)
13) Gotten treated like a bolster
14) Staying in a condo
15) Bought an off-shoulder top
16) Screamed at a room of scouts
17) Went walking in the cemetery

Can't think of any more! I'm sure there're tons though..

gone-case diet

2007-01-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

haha im so pathetic.. went on a diet before lunch- the "only eat one chip/biscuit/whtevr" a day diet and i broke it 5min ago by eating two peanut thingees. oh dear ):

super girls (:

2007-01-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

boring job making a soft copy of some list.. this week is another totally packed week.. chartwork last night, beack rd today, VTC training tmr, dance on thursday, grocery shopping on fri, VTC on sat and sunday, with baptism class on sunday. HAH. im so going to pass out and die! nah wont la..

recce last sat on ubin was fun! very unexpected, this line coming from me, especially it was muddy as hell and rainy.. cycling along and laughing together was a big part of the day, ending off perfectly at subway for dinner yum! managed to check out all the places we wanted to, thank God!

as for why super girls.. steph said tt we were had dual roles- after work we change and chiong off for scouts.. like super woman haha.. quite true.. we've all got double lives..

sad day

2007-01-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

sad day yesterday, and the 3rd of jan.. SNAP OUT OF IT!

got such a terribly wonderful job today, cutting flags for exercise books and drawing lines in like about 10 books so they can write all their lovely stuff inside..

been out everyday this week and will be out for almost every day next week too.. mummy's going to blow me up!

bagbagbagbagbag

2007-01-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

I bought a bag! Not just any run-of-the-mill pretty girl bag... I bought a camping bag! haha i'm rather surprised at myself too but it'll surely come in handy.. two camps in the next three weeks so I should be all set..

Packing and packing in the office today.. met jizhen for dinner and I guess what she said is really true.. some things turned out the way neither of us wanted, but ultimately it's great we can still talk over dinner and just be comfortable with each other.. not as close as we used to be, of course, but reminiscing about all those times in melb was really fun.. made me look back on those days again but I guess now I don't really regret anymore or miss them all that much.

I should really stop shopping though.. been spending loads of my salary on food, weird stuff, my pretty tweed handbag, watches, earrings, shoes.. ahhh self-control is paramount!

friendster FUN time!

2007-01-08T01:57:00.000-08:00

haha i'm super bored again, as usual.. and so i shall tell you about what we do in the office between wreaking havoc on diskettes, shredding paper and packing cupboards.. we go onto friendster and look at any tom dick harry's profile.. look at our own profiles, add all sorts of photos.. haha one bunch of mad camwhores! (:

took a picture with some sheep softtoy lying around in the office today, and had a traumatic time trying to photocopy some super thick stack of paper tt had be bound prior to the copying.. hell i tell you.. the silly holes kept jamming the machine and it took like over an hr to print! But then it decided to be nice to me and i managed to print the other 25 copies of other stuff without much incident..

yizhinnnn is currently looking over my shoulder as i type.. plus i said i'd feature her in this post.. heh. shall i go down to help with the scouts? later get bullied again just like founder's day.. on another note, i've been in ventures and known yizhin and co. for a whole year! time really does fly.. heh ive still got my answers to wilson's interview questions in my diary at home somewhere..

firm footing

2007-01-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

After that hive of activity, i seem to be rather lost.. For one, my room is messy and I just keep stuffing things into drawers to keep it pseudo-neat but I don't know where to start actually packing it.. Then there's seamanship course.. As the secretary I know I ought to be on top of things but I find myself floundering with deadlines, being unclear about lots of stuff.. HELP!!

So on top of all this, I'm excited about all the stuff the squires are doing together but if I can't handle what I have now, how will the rest ever fall into place?

Guess it's really time, as wh said, to take one weekend off and just be quiet. As jizhen said all the time ago in melb.. spend some time with yourself, and God..

whirlwind december

2007-01-02T06:18:00.000-08:00

December's finally over, and a new year has begun.. The feeling's really strange, to say the least. When Michlet and Jo told me they were starting school at SA I just felt weird not to be going back, and that 2 years have passed since I returned here.
I guess I can thank God for how He has sustained me, always giving me a way out and bringing me into SAC, ventures..
One new year resolution I have is to forget about the past year, and to let this one be itself, without all the burdens and sad memories. I want to be happy again, and God willing, I will! (:

Updates about all the stuff I did.. hmm.. haha I don't know where to begin. HK was fun, a novel experience since I've never really been responsible for anyone except myself, and even then often times my parents were responsible for me. I guess one unavoidable thing is that when one goes for trips like that you find out things about people, whether good or bad.. but yup certainly a good thing to have gone for.

To you: I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted, and that I've been sort of distant. Just leave me be, I need a little time to get used to stuff and well I'll let you know when I'm done, alright? We're still friends, though, remember that (: i'll be praying for you.

approaching depression?

2006-12-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

Was thinking about smth yesterday.. what if I get really bored in jan cos my flood of activities suddenly ends? ohwell. Already thinking of going for intermediate1 once I'm done with beginners for salsa.. one thing to look forward to! (:

Right now, HK trip is next week! Shopping whee!

Peace Baton project just over, and I've caught a cold.. Not sure whether it was from Zy or from getting caught in the rain heh. Feeling rather under the weather now, sneezing la mad and got a streppy throat.. grr. I think doing projects, including helping out, is pretty fun.. Was trying to find a reason why they were fun yesterday, but couldn't come up with anything..

about turn.

2006-12-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

I so feel like railing at you, I don't understand you, then again you don't understand yourself.. I wish it were really that simple, that one phrase could hold all the meaning a silence can, that an explanation would be as fulfilling as I always hope it would be.
I don't think I've admitted to myself how much I value your conversation, your approval, your presence. Neither have I fully enjoyed the thought of why that might be so, it's always just been cut short, left hanging.
Possibilities that were, may or may not still be, I leave you in your own stubborn reverie, with nothing to break it.

busybusybusy

2006-12-15T00:36:00.000-08:00

December is half gone before I know it! General outline of my programme thus far... 2/3-proj rigel on ubin (my very first camp thing), started work on the 4th, and prom on the 5th, stayed over at the hotel and then seamanship at sisters' island on the 6/7.. then 8/9/10 cell retreat, and work again on the 11th, cambodia on the 12/13/14/15.. back to work this afternoon! HK trip briefing tmr and peace baton on sunday! Oh forgot to mention salsa lessons! oh but i think i did, in the previous post.. another thing to look forward to, the HK trip next week!

And so.. in the midst of all this mess, I think the month has really swept by, not without time for some reflection and lessons though.. especially during cell retreat. I felt really close to God then and I pray its not one of those on-fire-for-a-week things.. I really wanted to just be quiet and spend time talking to God, and I honestly have not felt that way before, for all the times I wanted to..Another thing I learnt is just to let God be in control, like really. Just give it all up to Him and He will really take it from you, and His plans are truly for your good. I know I can say this here, but hopefully I will be able to as well when faced with greater matters that really mean alot to me.

Something else I've learnt is to identify the places where I went wrong during the past few months, the steps I should have taken but didnt, the things I should have ensured but that slipped my mind, the precautions and things I should have taken note of, the speed I went, how much I gave.. all these things are clear to me now, and the next course of action as well.. There's really only one way to go and I believe I'm firmly on the way now-be still and know that He is LORD. I realise the truth in the importance of doing everything centred on God, keeping Him your priority at all times and having Him be your lover (: heh He should really have all your heart!

True Princesses-body, spirit, heart-set apart!

whee!

2006-11-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

lalalalala. heh feeling very buoyant now (: haven't had that pink-cheeked-after-dancing feeling for a really long time so it felt good to put on my dancing shoes again. albeit this wasnt in the tiny little SAJC dance studio, and i wasnt in dance pants or doing ballet, but still. New kind of dance this time, salsa (:
the seamanship course steph and I attended last weekend was pretty informative as well, i learnt some things i never thought about before, even more so after we started research for our project. if anyone would like to know how maps of the earth are made, i'm your girl haha.
busy busy busy all the next few weeks, with almost non-stop activites-i'm being swept off my feet-and being thrilled about it!
at the same time, it certainly feels liberating and a little out of the ordinary to be able to do all the things i want without mummy nagging me. I suppose i should start some serious deliberation into what i want, what i would like to do with my life, the course options and things like that. it's startling to have completed my junior college education, and to be cliched, i'm once again at a crossroads. honestly, i'm quite quite afraid, not to mention apprehensive of what the near future holds, which regretfully is not allowing me to enjoy my freedom to it's fullest. I guess once again, I should probably have tried my very best so that i wouldn't be wondering whether i could have done better.

time

2006-11-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

maths is tomorrow, and i think i've left daddy flabbergasted with how little practice i've done.. there isnt time! and bio's driving me crazy too but at least that's all done now, i hope. May it not leak out over tonight grr.
I guess now's really not the time to be testing the waters and seeing where i stand wih certain issues, so i'm just hoping there'll be some sort of a response after my A's, if i'm still brave enough to approach it first.
On a happier note, i've finally signed up for salsa classes (: my ambition of about, let's see now.. almost 4 yrs? I remember back in sec4 before we went to melb jizhen and i wanted to take up latin and tap in addition to the ballet we already had.. haha imagine the number of dance shoes we'd have..
That's one thing that's really distracting me now and i know only too well it shouldnt be. ah. Interesting conversation with mark yesterday.. seems we always have stuff to talk about, which is quite fun, aye, faggot? :P hehe
i need to lose weight! again another thing of no consequence right now, but it's a nagging worry. This time i'll make sure all my grousin actually translates itself into actions.. aha it's never really done so before, i must admit.
Using my trusty laptop now, after a long hiatus since it couldnt connect to the internet, it seems to be working fine nowm just hope it doesnt go wonky like it kept doing in melb.
SO SO SO many things to do after A's (:

random musings

2006-09-28T02:55:00.000-07:00

its ironic that i still keep this, seeing as how its a relic of something past, and how that has already disintegrated.. i am, according to larissa, 70% on my way to being perfectly alright again. that's welcome news, for sure (: in retrospect, i had something pretty wonderful.. i used to get serenaded, cuddled, cherished.. haha. now its all sanitized, diminished, fading, what have you.. a whole vocab list could go into that but i won't go there.

on another note, i am also back on track to becoming a good housewive because i cooked today! for the first time in about 2 yrs.. minced meat and potato (: not sure what propelled me to cut the carrots and tatas, blahblah. pretty proud of myself though, cos i didnt get sent to the hospital - either for food poisoning or macerating my fingers.. haha

spent the afternoon with larissa, and it felt good, really. catching up with her this time was much better than the last time, which was rather unpleasant for both of us, if i recall correctly.. lying on my bed with her listening to my tummy haha and just chatting. i guess sometimes we get enlightened just by talking to someone cos it makes us think things through and we realise stuff about ourselves and others. some revelations today and nostalgic thoughts.. shan't dwell in them cos its not going to be any good.. haha almost time for my daily dose of er aussie, mcleod's daughters. yes, yes, im almost a spinster aren't i? watching soaps on telly. heh.

me, abeit a rather shallow glimpse :p

2006-09-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

favourites.
colour:
hard one..i sort of like combinations..rainbows!
food:
bee tai mak. porridge (: ah ma food la
movie:
dirty dancing-havana nights. aladdin.
sport:
i don't actly like sports heh. maybe dancing and kayaking?
day of the week:
fridays! i get that special bliss knowing that tmr morning i get to sleep in
season:
spring
ice-cream:
vanilla with rainbow sprinkles! sorbets (:

current.
mood:
not sure, really..happily eating gummies but only 5 weeks to As
taste:
pretty things..cheery too (: occasionally grownup
clothes:
depends where i am, aye..
desktop:
gummies! orange juice, econs keynesian notes and my princess notebook
toenail colour:
dark red..usually lilac, though..
time:
2.35 pm
surroundings:
reading room of BV
annoyance:
fringe that is neither long nor short.. grr.
best friend:
hmm steph and jon
crush:
nope (:
lie:
that my shoes didnt hurt today..didnt want mummy to say "i told you so"
music:
santos..the guitar group on burke st

last.
cigarette:
nono (:
drink:
orange juice.
ride:
mrt from church..you get to sit if you go to marina bay first haha
crush:
hmm if you were someone i'd want to tell, you'd know ald
movie:
the banquet.
phonecall:
daddy.
cd:
smooth satin jazz compilation yup.
classical songs:
james galway-flute.

have you ever.
dated one of ur best friends:
nopes.
broken the law:
jaywalking? heh and squealing when the car comes
been arrested:
nopes.
skinny-dipped:
haha nopes.
been on tv:
nada.
kissed someone that you don't know:
nopes, one conservative girl here haha
4 things you did today:
went to church, bought a hair ribbon, cooked noodles, stepped on steph's toe.
3 things you can hear right now:
aircon droning, sleeping beauty-once upon a dream, chair creaking
random facts about me:
i'm embarrassingly gu niang, i cant walk properly in heels, i dont like waiting for my hair to dry after a shower, i'm a scout (: enough?
7 things that scare me:
not getting into uni. insects and the like. walking home at night. finding out startling stuff about myself. getting diabetes haha i eat too much sweet stuff. getting tummy aches. erm thinking about my parents dying in the future
7 random music at the moment:
diana krall-the look of love
billy gilman-our first kiss
not sure who-dance like this
not sure who-my baby just cares for me
michael buble-save the last dance for me
dunno..its a hymn-it is well with my soul
planet shakers-rain down
7 things i say most:
so pretty/so cute.sai(yes,alright,not the most dignified thing to say).i'm so chubby.no la.yup.does laughing count?heya.
7 people to do this:
lalala..mark, spongebob, steph.. grr i dont know

maths is my best friend!!

2006-09-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ahhh! maths paper 2 tmr and i can't say i'm in the least confident! ): I only have myself to blame for that, obviously.. just hope i'll be able to remember the formulas and how not to be confused if they twist the questions around.. Ate chips again today although i said i wldnt grrr.

On another note.. I've been invited into rovers! ahaha i remember when steph and liz would worry about it and i would not simply because i knew i wouldn't, having joined so late and all.. but then.. ahaha im happy (:

And as an update..i thought i was perfectly fine yesterday but i guess im not all that great, basically because if i was totally ok i wouldnt even care, or at least not that much.. ah well back to the plan that has proven so hard to stick to..

'Til I can make it on my own

2006-09-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'll need time to get you off my mind
I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you
Even ask too much of you, from time to time
Now and then, Lord, you know I'll need a friend
And 'til I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you
'Til I can make it on my own

I'll get by, but no matter how I try
There'll be times that you know I'll call
Chances are my tears will fall
And I'll have no pride at all, from time to time
But they say, oh,there'll be a brighter day
But 'til then I lean on you, that's all I mean to do
'Til I can makeit on my own

Surely someday I'll look up and see the morning sun
Without another lonely night behind me
Then I'll know I'm over you and all my cryin's done
No more hurtin memories can find me
But 'til then, Lord, you know I'm gonna need a friend
'Til I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you
'Til I can make it on my own

Monday, 4th September

2006-09-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

Trying to study in SMU with my cousin again, and not succeding very well, obviously.. Got chased out of a study room cos someone else booked it..Packed all the stuff today and put it in another room, maybe being out of sight will make it easier, maybe..

One more week to prelims, 3 months to A's, 4 to HongKong (: might be meeting YanEe popo there if only we see each other online to arrange it!
Plan for the next few days: surround myself with people..xuwen, steph, mel..and chocolates aha.. Should be getting new specs soon cos i keep sitting on this pair and its really crooked already, maybe its whats causing my headaches..

On another note, saw someone on the train yest with the chio phone! aha its really pretty.. and today, maybe pepper lunch for lunch, along with some fancy stationery shopping..

chapter closed.

2006-09-03T03:22:00.000-07:00

The human mind once again shows it's penchant for being a terribly contrary entity, all the more astonishingly so. How is it that one can both yearn for the happy past and desire it to the point of compliance or begging, and yet simultaneously seek to burn bridges and build walls, to confront and demand answers?

Recollections are bruquesly shoved aside, fear of crying a prime motivation. The prickle of tears threatens with the startling realisation of how one word can cleave two seperate spheres with a divide so definite, yielding strangers, and annoyed, one thinks - "again?!". Initial refusal to believe this abrupt turn of events, denial, replaced by a sense of finality and eventually, acceptance coupled with profound regret.

Appeal lost, confidence shaken - prayers continually asking for strength, for courage, for serenity and comfort. It seems, ironically so, that it ended the way it began - a phone call, a song rich with meaning - yet two very different outcomes.

True, this was neither the right one nor the right time - futile and pointless - 'twas just not meant to be.